A lot of things can happen in a second, minute, hour, day. You can love someone right now and love them more later. You can hate a song today and love it tomorrow. Things can change in a snap or in a blink of an eye. Life doesn't stop for anyone. And these past few months, days, weeks, in that amount of time, I sort of lost myself. I lost who I am. It felt like I was in a whirlwind and it's carrying me away. I guess it all happened around when I finally digested the fact that the school year is about to end and the stress is kicking me in the butt and everyone is talking about what school they'll be transferring to or what course they're going to take. And then there's me, who doesn't even know what to do. I had my hands full. From planning all sorts of fan events (and now the one I was most excited and stressed out about has been postponed indefinitely), looking for schools to transfer to, moving-up practices, my love life problems (not that I have a boyfriend or anything but yeah, I'm human. I get crushes and sometimes fall for people I can't have), and other personal problems, it all became too much for me to handle. I kind of lost it. I forgot about my priorities which only fucked me up big time. And what drove me mad was the fact that in just a few days I will be leaving this school. This building I hated so much but loved at the same time. I've made so much memories here and this school made me who I am now. And it sort of freaks me out that it's the end. That next school year, I won't be seeing the same places or the same faces, I won't be with the same teachers, and same classrooms. And what sent me to the edge was knowing that next school year I won't be with my best friends. I won't be with them laughing and sharing jokes and stories we've gathered from the time we spent away. It sucks. I don't know if this is from separation anxiety but, it scares me so much that I will now be facing things without them being with me physically. All of these things played in my head all day. I didn't realize that I was slowing losing what I was really supposed to do in the moment. I forgot to focus on myself. I was so committed into spending time with my friends and helping them figure out what they want that I forgot to save some time for myself. I focused more on trying to fit everything in, in such a short amount of time because I was so scared that we wouldn't have enough time to do things that we all wanted to do when in fact, we have our whole lives to do it. I rushed things. Even in love. And I got hurt. And that's what probably sent me spiraling down into the dark abyss. But, I guess that's what brought me here. I'm here sitting in the dining room at 5:37 PM. writing this blog post. Because I've decided to re-build myself. I've been so hurt in the past couple of months and I thought I was never going to get back up, but I did. And now, I'm starting to focus more on myself. I've been searching so long for someone to come and fix me but I realized that no one is going to come and save me. I should do it for myself. I'm the only one who can fix me because who knows you better that yourself, right? So here I am. Staring again. And this time, I'm going to nail it. I want to re-build myself for ME. Not for anybody else. I'm making myself better because I want to, not because someone told me to. This is all for me. And I'm going to start loving myself more. Because I deserve it.
And before I end this post, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes. This is from one of my fave shows ever (RPDR): "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" All the love. x
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