So, here we are. Sitting side by side. Our juxtaposition sending a wave of unexplained feelings inside me making my stomach churn. I can't even remember the last time we were this close—oh wait, I actually do. I never forgot. It was one of the best nights of my life because it was the night we first hugged and the night you held my hand. And as we're both sat down here, I can't stop the tsunami like wave of memories trying to knock me out right at this moment. I looked away in hopes of escaping this dreaded conversation, but I knew I had no other choice but to face this--and what this is—the truth. My eyes searched the sky, the street, the floor, and my hands, right before it met yours. You were already looking at me. I never told you this, but I always admired how you can have the confidence to look into other people's eyes. I've always had a struggle with doing that. So I covered my face with my blue cotton jacket in an attempt to escape your stares that were burning holes in my heart because, as much as I don't want to admit it, I missed your beautiful eyes. "I'm sorry..." That's how you started. I felt my heart leap for a moment at the sound of your voice, but then crash hard to the floor when I only realized now how much I've been wanting to hear it again. "I'm sorry for all the things that I said to you. It wasn't in my plan to hurt you." But you did. "Okay." was all that I could say. I don't know. I used to be full of words and now I can barely muster up anything. I am left speechless by all the pain you left me. I can no longer speak, I can only write. And as our conversation goes on, most of it was just you talking, a number of questions start to bottle up in my head. But, I did not trust my words because as strong as I may look outside, I am as vulnerable inside. So I told myself to just wait until this was over and then I could write everything at home, at 2 or 3 in the morning, in my journal, remembering your eyes and how your voice sounded. I bet you could hear the fear or the sadness in my voice even though I try my best to sound so confident, so strong, put together, and not hurting at all. You never took your eyes off me and I felt like I was going to break down any minute now but I didn't. I held it all inside as best as I could, probably because of pride or just that I didn't want you to feel sad. Because as much as it broke me when you fucked with my heart and messed with my feelings, I still care about you. I know this is hard for you too. And I'm sorry. I apologize that I fell in love and that you had to do this. I bite my lip, an unconscious habit of mine when I am nervous or when my anxiety starts to creep in. I wanted to say so many things. But not hurtful things at all. I wanted to say I miss you and I miss our conversations. I miss how you'd always compliment me whenever I doubt myself, I miss the way your voice sounds when you sing to me through voice message, I miss how your hand fits mine and how our fingers were intertwined, and I miss when you would call me 'babe' and scold me for always sleeping so late. But most of all, I miss you and I miss us or whatever we used to have. And I know today, what we're doing is for closure, and I know it's a good thing but there's still a part of me that doesn't want this to end. And as much as I wanted to ask you to stay, I couldn't. Because you're in love with a girl and that girl isn't me. I was your detour. I just helped you realize that you can do better. I knew that I didn't deserve a guy like you. I hope you're happy. I wish you all the best. I hope she'll laugh at your jokes, melts when she looks into your eyes, get shivers when her skin touches yours, and I hope her heart beat falters at the sound of your voice. I hope she finds home in you like I did. I'm sorry if I was never good enough. I bet she can love you better than I did. And I bet this concludes the problem that's been in my head for a while now, I guess I still love you. Even though you've given me so much pain, I still do. But, you're with someone else and I need to move on and I will. I will, soon. But remember that I will always be here because we're friends now, right? That's what you wanted us to be after this. So, that I will give you. After all, I've always given you what you wanted. And if you want freedom from me or if you want me to leave, I will. But, not until you ask me to, so until then, I'll be here. Always.
0 Comments
Rough, these past few years have been. Tough, is what I have become. I went through so much in the past years. I've experienced a lot of heart breaks, disappointments, and failures. I've once again faced self-loathing, anxiety, pain, and a whole lot of problems. And throughout all of these obstacles that have come to challenge me, I always felt so alone and always blamed myself for everything wrong. Even if it's clear that it isn't my fault, I will always somehow find a reason why it is. That's how I have been living for how many years. Although my valiant efforts of trying to win the battle against the truculent demons in my head, I always lose. And so, I let them beat me. I stopped fighting them, I started to welcome them and let them manipulate my every thought and I always let them win. I knew I was becoming weaker and weaker, but, I couldn't do anything about it anymore. It was too late to do something, and I was too weak to be my own cure. I relied on the people around me to help me kill the villains living in my head, but I realized, I was the villain myself. I was the one constantly pushing myself down into the endless pit of sadness and self-hatred. I realized that I am the owner of this body and I shoulde be the one in control. And I only realized that a month ago, when I honestly felt like I've had enough. I knew that it wasn't too late and that I could still be happy. I started to realize that I'm the only one who can save me, from me. So, I sucked in a breath, held my head up, wiped my tears away, and did what I haven't been doing for a long time, I genuinely smiled. I knew this was a new beginning for me. I wanted to better myself and this is the way. I needed to accept and start appreciating who I am and that I am strong, smart, kind, and enough. I am looking forward to the day where I look at myself in the mirror and finally be happy with the image. And I made it clear to myself that I am not doing this for anybody else. I am doing this for me and only me. But, I won't forget what I've been through and I will never regret it because the person I am in the past is still the same person I am today and the same one I will be in the future, only upgraded. That's the silver lining. I became wiser and stronger. And one day, hopefully, my story will inspire others. |
|