I admit it. It scared me to move on. I was afraid to let go of the person who made me feel like the most amazing person in the world, like I was important, that I could actually become someone’s happiness. I was terrified to say good bye and accept the fact that this is the farthest that we can go. I didn’t know what to do. I ran out of excuses to tell my friends why I can’t seem to forget about you. I made myself believe that I was just getting over you at my own pace, taking things slow and one at a time. I made myself think that you were the one ruining me but in all honesty, I was a contributing factor to the pain that I was feeling because I was too stupid to let myself set me free from you and all of the memories that haunt me.
I was mortified with the idea of living life without you being my source of happiness and love. I made myself believe that I was not at all prepared to move on from what happened between me and you. I thought that I was never going to get out of this, that this is how I will be forever. But I then realized that I was just too naive and blinded to see that there are people around me who are actually willing to help me get away from this situation because all this time I always thought that they are just pushing me to let you go because they were simply tired of hearing me go on for hours about how painful it is just to see you. I never saw it like they really wanted to help me. And when I actually let them, I then realized that there are still people out there who will not give up on someone like me, who will make me feel important, make me feel loved, make you feel like you are not alone in this world. There are still people who are willing to give time to listen to your problems and stick with you until you get where you need to go and will stay with you even after that. Because of this, I am no longer scared. I am no longer terrified of being alone because I know I won’t be. I know that there are people that will stay with me and not give up on me even when I am a huge mess and there are people who will help me see what I am capable of and how beautiful I am inside and outside. There are people who will help build up my confidence until I get back on my feet and take a ‘try again’ card and move on with my life without you. I am thankful for those people because now, I’ve let you go. I am walking again and I am waking up every morning for myself, my family, and those people–my friends. I don’t need you anymore to make me feel wanted, important, and beautiful because deep down, I know in myself that I am all that even if people like you don’t see it. I laugh at the idea that you were once the only reason for my happiness. Well, now look at me. I am smiling and I am happy and it’s not because of you anymore. It’s because I have learned to accept that you are the negativity in my life and that I needed to let you go because you are no longer good for me. And I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you weren’t able to see how wonderful I am because I honestly gave you the best of me. Well, too bad for you because never again will I show you that side of me because you had your chance and you blew it. But, aside all the things that happened between us, I want to say THANK YOU. Because without you and the pain you have brought to me, I wouldn’t see the things that are important to me. The things that I never really want to lose in my life, the ones who I will not neglect just like how you did to me. And most important of all, you made me realize that there is still beauty and light and hope left inside me and that I could do things without you being my source of will and strength and realize that I can be happy. I am happy.
1 Comment
First and foremost, the thing you need to understand about people who self-harm is that THEY ARE NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION. Most of the time, people get confused. They often think that a person who cuts himself or herself are just attention seekers. No. There's so much more than that. They suffer from so many things. And that's one reason why they do that. It's because sometimes they may feel like they can't tell these problems to other people because they fear that they are being a burden and are only adding up to other people's problems. And no, you can't really blame them. It's not really easy for them. Sometimes, they have so many problems that they blow up in a quick second when they feel like everything is going downhill or they have so much in their minds that just one off thing you say can feel as if you are attacking them and they get hurt and may even self-harm, again. They also often feel like nobody really cares and nobody is willing to listen because sometimes they think, "If I can't even understand myself, how can someone else do?" And so here is my advice to the people who know someone who are self-harming or have self-harmed. Listen to them. Try not to go against them when they are opening up to you because they may feel like you're only there not to understand but to just contradict everything they say to prove them that they have mental issues and that they are not well. Give them time. Give them love. Don't get mad and shout at them if they have sudden outbursts or if they hurt themselves purposely, they need you to listen and please listen well, understand them and then give them advice as calmly as you can because they don't need any more people putting weight on their problems more. It's not that you have to say that what their doing is okay and that you approve of it. It's just that you have to be careful with what you say and let them heal at a pace they feel most comfortable because you can't force a broken vase to fix itself and make everything okay again. You have to take time piece by piece and glue it all back together. Just like a wound. You can't tell it to heal and it will be healed in an instant. No, it takes a lot more time than that. But after that time, it's as good as new. Granted there may be scars to remind you and the person of the past and the pain, but it more of signifies that they have come a long way and that they have been so strong. And lastly, my message to those people who have suffered from depression, anxiety, and self-harm. Don't be ashamed of the scars in your body. You are beautiful. There may be roads along the way that are bumpier and rockier than others, but you'll still survive. You've survived so much more than what you think. Don't force yourself to heal. Take your time and breathe. You'll be fine. You are fine. Someone is there to listen. Find that person, and that person will help you get through every obstacle you may encounter in the near future. |
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