You are beautiful.
No matter what your skin color is or your ethnicity. No matter your gender or what's between your legs. No matter the shape of your eyes, the height of your nose, or the size of your lips. No matter the size of your thighs, your breasts, or your hips. No matter your height or what the weighing scale shows. No matter the language you speak or if you can speak at all. No matter the grades you get on your card or the clothes you wear. No matter who you love or who you are with. No matter what kind of music you listen to or the artist you look up to. No matter what kind of food you eat or the amount of it. No matter what your talent is, if you can sing or dance or draw or act. No matter how flawed you see yourself when you look into the mirror. No matter what other people say. No matter what they tell you to change about yourself. No matter how much you hate yourself. Just know that I believe that you are beautiful. Believe me, someone knows about your beauty. Someone sees you as the perfect kind of person because people have different definitions of perfect and you can't be all of them. You are your kind of perfect. You are flawed, everyone is. You don't have thigh gaps or you want to gain weight, whatever. You are beautiful. Repeat it to yourself, you are beautiful. Don't mind the hateful comments people throw your way. Because sometimes, these are the things that hold you back from becoming who you are. Block out the voices that pushes you down, even your own demons killing you inside. Fight back by showing you are proud of who you are. Because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. And know that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. You don't have to explain why you are you. You deserve to be accepted and you deserve to be loved. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
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I have always dreamed of being successful in life. Graduating from a great school, getting a job, and providing for my future family and giving back to my parents. Yet, I also dreamed of being in musicals, being an international pop star, having my own concert, and publishing my own book. I was one who had so many dreams. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to make YouTube videos and become internet famous, make my voice heard and fight for the bullied, the depressed, the ignored. I have wanted so many things in life. And I plan on achieving those dreams of mine may it sound so unrealistic for some.
In the Philippines, many students aspire to get into prestigious universities such as De La Salle, Ateneo, University of the Philippines, University of Santo Thomas, and so much more amazing schools that I have failed to mention. I once made it my goal to study in one of these great schools. But as I grew older, I had a sudden realization in me that maybe I wanted more. Honestly, I had this realization as I was watching an episode of Gossip Girl. I wanted to study abroad. I want to get into Yale, Columbia, Brown, Stanford, Dartmouth, or Harvard. It seems silly for a small town girl like me to dream of getting into these ivy league schools when I don't even live abroad. Albeit my family had planned on moving there, it still sounds like a pretty good joke. How can I ever get accepted into these universities? What's my peculiarity? What's my secret weapon? People would ask me where do I want to attend college and when I answer their questions, some would laugh, some would question me about my choices, and some would congratulate me with eyes of judgement. Their looks would hint that they thought my dreams were unrealistic and that I would never be able to achieve it. And so I began to doubt my dreams, I began to doubt myself. But one day, I thought I'd bring it up to my mom about the universities I'd like to apply for. I was waiting for her to tell me that these schools are not for me but she didn't. Instead, she even asked for the qualifications, asked me to get into a summer program, and told me to keep my grades up. She did not doubt or question me for one second. And I thought to myself, if my mom believes I can do it, then I will do my best to prove her right. That is what I want to achieve. And so I will erase the negativity in my mind and take their judging stares as my motivation. I will study as much as I could and not take for granted the knowledge that I will acquire. I will work hard to reach my dreams, not just for me, but especially for the people who believed in me. More importantly, the one who never doubted me, my mother. I will star in musicals, I will release an album, I will make my voice heard and I will stand up for the people who have been laughed at and doubted. And I will make the people who have doubted me see that I can make it. That I can reach my goals no matter what they tell me. And I will watch as their laughter turns into cheers as I step onto the stage and get my diploma from Yale or Harvard, maybe from Stanford or Dartmouth, or possibly Brown or Columbia. And I will thank them and every single person who had doubted me because without those eyes that judged me and voices that laughed when I told them of my dreams, because they added fuel to my flame and made me strive harder to reach my goals in life. And from now on, I will stand by my dreams. I will do it. I can do it. "OKAY LANG BA SIYA?"
Gusto na niyang magpahinga Siya'y pagod na't walang gana Nawawalan na ng hninga Isipa'y di na gumagana Paggising sa umaga bungad sakanya Mga salitang, "Maghugas ka na" Mamadaliin ka pa kaya napapaisip siya, "Tatakbo ba yung mga plato kapag di mo hinugasan agad?" Pag-uwi galing eskwela Pagsasaingin na siya Hindi pa nakakapahinga May sunod na utos na sila Sila'y nagagalit pag siya'y di sumunod Sasabihan siya ng tamad at puro nalang tulog Ngunit minsa'y di nila natanong Kung ayos lang ba siya o kung di ba siya pagod Ngunit kung sila'y magtanong SIya ay sasagot ng "Oo, ayos lang ako" Dahil mas madaling sabihing ayos lang lahat Kesa ipaliwanag kung bakit hindi ka masaya Di mo siya makikitang humihikbi Siya'y tatawa't ngingiti Hanggang pagdating sa kanyang huling hantungan, Walang makakaalam ng kanyang kalungkutan I admit it. It scared me to move on. I was afraid to let go of the person who made me feel like the most amazing person in the world, like I was important, that I could actually become someone’s happiness. I was terrified to say good bye and accept the fact that this is the farthest that we can go. I didn’t know what to do. I ran out of excuses to tell my friends why I can’t seem to forget about you. I made myself believe that I was just getting over you at my own pace, taking things slow and one at a time. I made myself think that you were the one ruining me but in all honesty, I was a contributing factor to the pain that I was feeling because I was too stupid to let myself set me free from you and all of the memories that haunt me.
I was mortified with the idea of living life without you being my source of happiness and love. I made myself believe that I was not at all prepared to move on from what happened between me and you. I thought that I was never going to get out of this, that this is how I will be forever. But I then realized that I was just too naive and blinded to see that there are people around me who are actually willing to help me get away from this situation because all this time I always thought that they are just pushing me to let you go because they were simply tired of hearing me go on for hours about how painful it is just to see you. I never saw it like they really wanted to help me. And when I actually let them, I then realized that there are still people out there who will not give up on someone like me, who will make me feel important, make me feel loved, make you feel like you are not alone in this world. There are still people who are willing to give time to listen to your problems and stick with you until you get where you need to go and will stay with you even after that. Because of this, I am no longer scared. I am no longer terrified of being alone because I know I won’t be. I know that there are people that will stay with me and not give up on me even when I am a huge mess and there are people who will help me see what I am capable of and how beautiful I am inside and outside. There are people who will help build up my confidence until I get back on my feet and take a ‘try again’ card and move on with my life without you. I am thankful for those people because now, I’ve let you go. I am walking again and I am waking up every morning for myself, my family, and those people–my friends. I don’t need you anymore to make me feel wanted, important, and beautiful because deep down, I know in myself that I am all that even if people like you don’t see it. I laugh at the idea that you were once the only reason for my happiness. Well, now look at me. I am smiling and I am happy and it’s not because of you anymore. It’s because I have learned to accept that you are the negativity in my life and that I needed to let you go because you are no longer good for me. And I feel bad for you. I feel bad that you weren’t able to see how wonderful I am because I honestly gave you the best of me. Well, too bad for you because never again will I show you that side of me because you had your chance and you blew it. But, aside all the things that happened between us, I want to say THANK YOU. Because without you and the pain you have brought to me, I wouldn’t see the things that are important to me. The things that I never really want to lose in my life, the ones who I will not neglect just like how you did to me. And most important of all, you made me realize that there is still beauty and light and hope left inside me and that I could do things without you being my source of will and strength and realize that I can be happy. I am happy. First and foremost, the thing you need to understand about people who self-harm is that THEY ARE NOT DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION. Most of the time, people get confused. They often think that a person who cuts himself or herself are just attention seekers. No. There's so much more than that. They suffer from so many things. And that's one reason why they do that. It's because sometimes they may feel like they can't tell these problems to other people because they fear that they are being a burden and are only adding up to other people's problems. And no, you can't really blame them. It's not really easy for them. Sometimes, they have so many problems that they blow up in a quick second when they feel like everything is going downhill or they have so much in their minds that just one off thing you say can feel as if you are attacking them and they get hurt and may even self-harm, again. They also often feel like nobody really cares and nobody is willing to listen because sometimes they think, "If I can't even understand myself, how can someone else do?" And so here is my advice to the people who know someone who are self-harming or have self-harmed. Listen to them. Try not to go against them when they are opening up to you because they may feel like you're only there not to understand but to just contradict everything they say to prove them that they have mental issues and that they are not well. Give them time. Give them love. Don't get mad and shout at them if they have sudden outbursts or if they hurt themselves purposely, they need you to listen and please listen well, understand them and then give them advice as calmly as you can because they don't need any more people putting weight on their problems more. It's not that you have to say that what their doing is okay and that you approve of it. It's just that you have to be careful with what you say and let them heal at a pace they feel most comfortable because you can't force a broken vase to fix itself and make everything okay again. You have to take time piece by piece and glue it all back together. Just like a wound. You can't tell it to heal and it will be healed in an instant. No, it takes a lot more time than that. But after that time, it's as good as new. Granted there may be scars to remind you and the person of the past and the pain, but it more of signifies that they have come a long way and that they have been so strong. And lastly, my message to those people who have suffered from depression, anxiety, and self-harm. Don't be ashamed of the scars in your body. You are beautiful. There may be roads along the way that are bumpier and rockier than others, but you'll still survive. You've survived so much more than what you think. Don't force yourself to heal. Take your time and breathe. You'll be fine. You are fine. Someone is there to listen. Find that person, and that person will help you get through every obstacle you may encounter in the near future. Why is it that every time that I feel like I'm getting so much better at forgetting about you, I get sucked back into that hole and find myself back where I started? Falling back in that endless pit of pain and sadness and memories of you. I close my eyes and pretend it's all a dream, but then I closing my eyes reminds me of how I closed them and began to ask God if this was all true the moment I found your fingers and mine together and entwined as you walk me home from that party. I remember how you hugged me and how warm it felt as I was enveloped in your arms, safe and sound, I loved it. I'm reminded of how you looked me in the eyes with your pair of deep dark brown pupils every single time and I try my best to cover my face so that you couldn't see me blushing red, and how you examined my face, staring at me, and me pretending not to notice. I remember how your words would make my heart swell up and eyes fill up with joy. I had reason to wake up everyday--as cheesy as it may sound--you were what I was living for.
And then I ask myself, "Is what I'm living for, worth dying for?" YES. Yes was always my answer. Yes, because the moment you left, I died. And kept dying everyday that I had to live without you. I died when I found out that you're now with someone else, I died when you started acting jealous for days and then like you didn't care the next. I keep dying for you every time you look me in the eyes and I keep dying whenever I talk to you and notice how everything change between the words we've spoken. And I continue to die because I thought I have fully moved on. I know I really have, but only from what happened in the past. My love for you remains strong and it gets stronger with every day. And as it grows stronger, I grow weaker and I die. I'm dying and I keep dying for the one I call my life. Loving him is hard. It's a challenge to be loving someone like him. He's very unpredictable and mysterious. And I am stuck between never wanting to feel that kind of pain again and "I want to feel that kind of love again". He's confusing and he plays mind games and sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. Loving him is hard. It's heart breaking and it makes you cry. It makes you stay up late at night and it can make your head spin 'round. It's hard. Loving him is hard. It makes you feel exhausted and tired. It makes you feel like giving up sometimes. It makes you wonder if it's still worth this much trouble. It makes you think if what you give is still enough. Loving him is hard. It's tough and can get really hard on the ass, yes.
But loving him is the best thing I know. Loving someone who broke your heart a couple of times, but you can't seem to set your heart free from him, that's tough. But it makes you strong. He makes you strong. He might sometimes be very confusing, but isn't love just that? Love doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to. You love him after all that's happened and you continue to love him every single day even if he says he doesn't feel the same way. You love him and that doesn't have to make sense, to make sense. It sounds really cheesy, but it's true. Love is completely nonsensical but that's just love. And yes, loving him is hard but loving him is the best thing I know. NEW SEGMENT!! For many years I have asked myself the same questions after every heartbreak, "Why is love so complicated?" And "Why does it always hurt?" Countless times I have asked myself that and never got an answer. Many moments I have fallen in and out of love, no right word or sentence seem to fit to answer the same unnerving questions. It came to a point where I almost gave up on asking and just accepted the fact that the questions I ask myself don't have any answers. And I kept believing nothing else but that reason. Until a few days ago. Not too long ago, I realized that love IS supposed to be complicated and it will never be easy. Because if it was easy, then it's not worth anything. Love is supposed to make you feel challenged and once you take that challenge, love will make you realize many things. Love is filled with good days and bad, even if most days you have to struggle a bit more to have a bit of sunshine, love will make you feel like the things you do for it is actually worth something. Love is painful because loving someone means exposing yourself to the idea of pain. But pain gives you experience and with experience, you're never a loser. Love is painstakingly beautiful. It is magical. It's complex and hard to understand sometimes but, that's part of it. Love is a roller coaster ride, a gift, a fairy tale—or every cliche in the book that you can think of. The main point is, love cannot be defined by any simple word. Every person has a different word to describe love, and all I know, there will never be a definite answer. It will always change. For example; right now, what I know is, HE is STILL my definition of love. You ask me why? Why I keep loving him even when he had hurt me, even if he says doesn't feel the same way anymore. Because he made me feel what I thought was love for a moment in my life. He showed me love and I believed in that kind of love and I still believe in it. And I have moved on from what happened in the past and I no longer feel as strong for him as before, but he is still my love. Because you never just simply let go of someone who meant that much to you. And I think, being strong enough to forgive and still love someone who had broken your heart, is so much more than just a simple word called love. P A A L A M Paalam na, aking mahal Ako'y di na magtatagal Ngunit wag mong isiping basta-basta nalang akong bumitaw Dahil ilang buwan din akong nag-iintay Di mo man nakita Di mo man napansin Na kahit nung ika'y lumisan Ako'y narito parin Paalam, mahal ko Kahit masakit, ito'y gagawin ko Di lang ito para sa kalayaan mo Ngunit para din sa pusong patuloy na nagdurugo Sana'y bukas sa pagsikat ng araw Masaya ka sa mga kamay niya Mga letrang aking binigkas Kalimutan mo'y wag sana Bakas sa aking puso Lahat ng ala-ala nating nabuo Mga araw na ngiti ko'y lubos Ninanais noon na oras natin ay di maubos Ngunit mahal, ubos na nga Hanggang dito nalang tayo May iba ka nang mahal Ngayo'y tinatanaw nalang kita sa malayo Kung dati rati ako ang nasa iyong tabi At ako rin ang iyong kausap gabi-gabi Ngayo'y iba na, at wala na akong masabi Nakatikom nalang ang aking mga labi Paalam aking minamahal Kailangan ko mamaalam na Kahit ang puso'y ikaw parin ang laman Wala nang dahilan na para ako pa ay magtagal Sa larawan ay wala na ako Kaya't humihingi akong paumanhin sa aking pagsuko Mga sugat at sakit di ko na kaya tanggapin Kaya ang pamamalagi dito'y di na pipilitin Dahil mahal ko, masakit na Paunti-unti na akong nanghihina Kaya mahal, ako na'y namamaalam Bibitaw, tulad ng ginawa mo matagal na Paalam You're a puzzle. Completely challenging and complicated. But a puzzle is a source of entertainment and joy. It's also a way to enhance one's skills and knowledge. I, myself, feel wiser whenever I am able to complete a puzzle of some sort and I do feel proud whenever I succeeded. But you, you're an utterly different puzzle. No, you're not just a puzzle. You're that, mid-terms, finals, pop quiz, and long test all compressed into a being--you. And I feel pressured, anxious, and weak at the sight of you. You make me crazy. I get all these weird feelings inside of me everytime I am in your presence and I do not know what else should I do to stop feeling this. And we all know we are not talking about some shit exam or puzzle game here, we're talking about you. The guy I am so madly inlove with. I just don't get why it's still you even after all these times, even when you've already broken my heart, it's still you. When I look at you, my heart still skips a beat, it falters and I get weak. Whenever we'd talk, I still get butterflies. And when I look into your eyes I see the beautiful night sky painted with shimmering stars. But then when I'm all alone I remember you and all the pain you caused and the trouble you brought. And I see why the constellations and these celestialities exist; for 2AM nights where I can't sleep and when I remember you. You're the reason for the darkness in my room and the void that I stare into in deep thought. And every waking moment is spent thinking about you and reminiscing about us and how it used to be. You're the most precious thing I've ever laid my eyes on and I touched the fire and it burned. My heart's broken but it still yearns for your touch and the sound of your voice. And I still cry and get jealous. I'm still on this downward spiral and my head is spinning like mad and I see stars. And I still don't have answers to all these questions bottling up inside of me like, why do I still love you? But I dived in the water so long ago that I decided to just continue swimming. And when it rains, it pours |
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