There have been countless times when people asked me the same question over and over again for the past seventeen years.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" And each time, every moment that I gave an answer, I felt absolutely sure of it. When I was young, maybe around five or six years old, they asked me. And kids my age would probably answer princess, an astronaut, a firefighter or in my case, and international pop sensation. When I was ten, they asked again. And we probably answered doctor, veterinarian, teacher or like me, an actress. When I reached the age of thirteen or fourteen, they asked me again and I had two answers that were very different from each other. I wanted to be a psychologist and a flight stewardess. Years passed by and I discovered a few more options. I fell deeply in love with writing and considered it to be my future profession, I still wanted to be a psychologist and a flight attendant, I wanted to continue and enhance my skills in the field of music and dreamed of being known for my works in the music industry. And now that I am at the age where people take very seriously the answer you give to them when they ask the same dreaded question, I started to feel lost. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grow up. I felt so much pressure because most of my friends knew what they wanted in life and I didn't. I had so many things in mind that I wanted to do which makes me feel like I'm going insane and that I'll never get my life on track because I still can't answer the same damn question; what do I want to be when I grow up? I am now seventeen and they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? WHO KNOWS? This isn't the moment or time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to create experiences and mistakes. Get lost somewhere, fall in love a lot, get your heart broken, do something you thought you'd never do. Change your mind and change it again and just explore. Don't rush things. So that when the time comes and they ask us again, we won't have to guess. We'll know.
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M U L I N G P A G B A N G O NSa isang araw na ako'y nagising
Ika'y wala na sa aking piling Ako'y napaupo't biglang napaisip Olats nanaman ako sa pag-ibig Tinanong ko ang aking sarili Saan ba ako nagkamali? Pagkukulang ba ay saakin? Sinong may mali sa pag-iibigan natin? Ilang gabi pa na hindi ako matutulog? Sa bawat pikit ay para bang nahuhulog Puso'y paulit-ulit na dinudurog Piraso'y abo, tila para bang sinunog Parang gusto ko nang sumuko, Isuko, lahat ng laman ng puso Kasama ng lahat ng sinabi mo Nung gabing iyon nilisan ang pusong ito Kaya ngayong gabi, paalam na Sa lahat ng ala-ala nating dalawa Muling ngingiti't babangong Magsisimula ulit ngayon Dahil pagod na akong umiyak at masaktan Narito't naghihintay sa dating daan Umalis na siya't di na ko babalikan Kapayapaan sana'y akin nang makamtan At kung bukas wala ka na sa aking tabi Ayos lang kahit pa di ka na magsabi Dahil ang sakit ay hindi narito palagi At kinabukasan, hindi na ako ang naapi S A N A Y A NUmalis na siya Umalis na siya't lumisan na Umalis na siya't iniwan ka Umalis na siya Umalis na siya Hindi na nag paalam pa Iniwan ka sa daan ng mag-isa Walang saysay na ang lumuha ka Umalis na siya at kinalimutan ka Iniwan ka na sa nakalipas niya Sa kinabukasan 'di ka na dadalhin pa Dahil hindi ka naman importante sakanya "Potek na buhay yan" Galit na iyong isinigaw Hinampas-hampas pa ang mga bagay sa paligid niya Inisip na baka pag sinuntok niya ang pader ay bumali pa siya Umalis na nga siya Kelan papasok sa kokote mo yan Iniwan ka na niya at sinabing "Hindi kita mahal" Paulit-ulit hanggang ma-gets mo Na wala na nga siya dito Hindi ka niya minahal ng buo Sa isang iglap iniwan ka niyang nagdurugo Kaya ito, makinig ka Kalimutan mo na din siya Dahil kinalimutan ka na din niya Ano pag rason para mag muk-mok dahil sakanya? Umalis ka na Umalis ka na sa daan na yan Sa kalsadang magpapa-isip sayo sa kanya Sa lugar kung saan iniwan ka niya Umalis ka na Umalis at kalimutan ang lahat Burahin ang sakit At tanggalin mo na siya Umalis ka na Umalis ka na at magsimula ulit Magsimula ng buhay na wala siya sa iyong piling Mag-isa pero layo sa dilim Umalis ka na "Parang 'di ko ata kaya" Akala mo lang yan, gaga Sa sarili mo naman ikaw magtiwala Umalis ka na Umalis ka na dahil kaya mo Malakas ka at makakalimutan mo din 'to Langgam lang sayo ang sakit na naririto Umalis ka na at pahiran ang luha Hugutin ang lakas at ika'y kumuha Kumuha ng lakas ng loob para bukas Dahil bukas, wala parin siya Masanay ka Sanayin mo ang sarili mo na wala na siya Masanay ka Dahil di na siya kailanman babalik pa Umalis na siya kaya Umalis ka na Masanay ka Na wala na siya P A G O DAno pa? Ano pa ang kaya niyong sabihin? Ano pa bukod sa "ang tanga mo", "di ka nag-iisip", "kahihiyan ka"? Ano pa? Ano pa? Ano pang masasakit na salita and kaya niyong ibato? Ano pang mga bibigkasin ninyo? Para iparamdam lang saakin Kung gaano ka-walang kwenta ako Ano pang paulit-ulit na insulto ang ibibigay niyo? Ano pa? Ano pa para ipakita saakin, Ipakita kung ano lang ang halaga ko Ano pa ang masasabi niyo Na magpapaalala saakin ng lahat ng kamailan ko At ano pa ang huhukayin niyo sa nakalipas ko Na idadagdag niyo sa pagkakamali ko ngayon? Ano pa? Ibahin naman natin. Ano pa ang magagawa ko Kung nasabi niyo na lahat? Ano pa ang sasabihin ko Kung hindi naman ako pakikinggan? Ano pang lakas ng loob Ang huhukayin ko Para lang humarap sa inyong lahat At sabihin na ayos lang, mga brad Ano pang luha ang ilalabas ko Kung naubos ko na Naubos na at nasaid na Sa lahat ng araw na ako'y umaray Ubos na. Wala na. Ubos na ang mga letra At ubos na ang mga salita Ubos na ang panahon Ubos na ang lahat Ubos na ang mga luha At ubos na ang saya Ubos na ang pagkakataon Para sabihin na "okay pa" Ubos na ang mga pekeng ngiti Ubos na ang mga tawang pilit Ubos na and mga "ayos pa 'ko" At ubos na din ang pasensya ko Ubos na yung lakas ko, Ubos na. Ubos na ang nais ko na mabuhay pa Sa marahas na mundong ito Dahil Diyos ko, Pagod na ako. It's not easy.
I keep asking myself. How can you let go of someone you love so much? He was home to me and he became almost my everything. I forgot the girl I was before I became all about him. But he didn't feel the same. He just toyed with my heart. I thought I could never forgive him for that, but I did. Because that's just me. I always forgive people even if what they've done have caused me so much pain. I've been hurt before by countless guys. But, this one, this one is different. This was the most painful, but at the same time it was the best. He's an amazing person and it kills me inside knowing that eventually, I'd have to let this go. It's heart shattering to see how much things have changed. We used to talk to each other everyday and watch as day turns into night and we'd just talk about so many things. And look at us now, we can barely look at each other. We used to sit so close to each other and now it's like there's an ocean separating us when in reality, you're just a few seats away. I remember how you would look deeply into my eyes as if you were in love, but now I see how you do that with every other person (or girl) you come across with. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and just cry for days, thinking of how we were before everything started crumbling down to pieces. But I won't. I've been through so much already. I've watched myself crash down so many times, but when you broke my heart, I saw a side of me I thought I'd never see. And after a long time, I finally realized that I wasn't the only one hurting because of what happened, I was hurting a lot of people as well. I pushed people away and built barriers. It had hurt the people who love me and are there constantly trying to break those walls down and tell me that things are okay and that I am good enough. I was so blinded by my misery that I didn't see how many people are willing to go out of their way just to make me feel fine. So, after much deliberation and sleepless nights, I've figured it all out. I was going to let you go. I'm setting you free from the cage you've been in inside of me. I've kept you there thinking that you might feel at home, but didn't realize that letting you stay more is making me lose my own. I gave you everything, just to keep you warm and happy, but you weren't paying rent. There's a point in someone's life when they realize that you can't keep depositing without withdrawing because you'll end up with nothing. I am letting you go. Even if my heart still beats for you, I'll do whatever I have to in order to move on and live a life without you being my source of pain. I am tired of you being that. I missed the day when you were my happiness and I'd like to bring that back and that's why I'm letting you go. I am willing to start again with you, but as friends. I apologize that it took me so long. I guess I already knew what we were, I just didn't want to accept it because doing just that means I am accepting our fate as strangers and also that this was it. I guess I just didn't want it to be over just yet. But, as of today, I'm ready. I'm ready because I miss you so much and the only way that I could get you back in my life is by finally accepting that we can't be lovers and that it's best for us to stay just friends. But, I won't go without saying thanks. Thank you for all the countless times that you've made my heart beat falter whenever you would walk into the room or smile at me or even just look my way. Thank you for building up my confidence and exerting effort to make me feel beautiful whenever I would doubt myself. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for understanding. And just, thank you. Thank you for making me happy for a moment in my life. I don't regret anything and I sure as heck don't regret falling for a guy as sweet, gentle, and extraordinary as you. So, here we are. Sitting side by side. Our juxtaposition sending a wave of unexplained feelings inside me making my stomach churn. I can't even remember the last time we were this close—oh wait, I actually do. I never forgot. It was one of the best nights of my life because it was the night we first hugged and the night you held my hand. And as we're both sat down here, I can't stop the tsunami like wave of memories trying to knock me out right at this moment. I looked away in hopes of escaping this dreaded conversation, but I knew I had no other choice but to face this--and what this is—the truth. My eyes searched the sky, the street, the floor, and my hands, right before it met yours. You were already looking at me. I never told you this, but I always admired how you can have the confidence to look into other people's eyes. I've always had a struggle with doing that. So I covered my face with my blue cotton jacket in an attempt to escape your stares that were burning holes in my heart because, as much as I don't want to admit it, I missed your beautiful eyes. "I'm sorry..." That's how you started. I felt my heart leap for a moment at the sound of your voice, but then crash hard to the floor when I only realized now how much I've been wanting to hear it again. "I'm sorry for all the things that I said to you. It wasn't in my plan to hurt you." But you did. "Okay." was all that I could say. I don't know. I used to be full of words and now I can barely muster up anything. I am left speechless by all the pain you left me. I can no longer speak, I can only write. And as our conversation goes on, most of it was just you talking, a number of questions start to bottle up in my head. But, I did not trust my words because as strong as I may look outside, I am as vulnerable inside. So I told myself to just wait until this was over and then I could write everything at home, at 2 or 3 in the morning, in my journal, remembering your eyes and how your voice sounded. I bet you could hear the fear or the sadness in my voice even though I try my best to sound so confident, so strong, put together, and not hurting at all. You never took your eyes off me and I felt like I was going to break down any minute now but I didn't. I held it all inside as best as I could, probably because of pride or just that I didn't want you to feel sad. Because as much as it broke me when you fucked with my heart and messed with my feelings, I still care about you. I know this is hard for you too. And I'm sorry. I apologize that I fell in love and that you had to do this. I bite my lip, an unconscious habit of mine when I am nervous or when my anxiety starts to creep in. I wanted to say so many things. But not hurtful things at all. I wanted to say I miss you and I miss our conversations. I miss how you'd always compliment me whenever I doubt myself, I miss the way your voice sounds when you sing to me through voice message, I miss how your hand fits mine and how our fingers were intertwined, and I miss when you would call me 'babe' and scold me for always sleeping so late. But most of all, I miss you and I miss us or whatever we used to have. And I know today, what we're doing is for closure, and I know it's a good thing but there's still a part of me that doesn't want this to end. And as much as I wanted to ask you to stay, I couldn't. Because you're in love with a girl and that girl isn't me. I was your detour. I just helped you realize that you can do better. I knew that I didn't deserve a guy like you. I hope you're happy. I wish you all the best. I hope she'll laugh at your jokes, melts when she looks into your eyes, get shivers when her skin touches yours, and I hope her heart beat falters at the sound of your voice. I hope she finds home in you like I did. I'm sorry if I was never good enough. I bet she can love you better than I did. And I bet this concludes the problem that's been in my head for a while now, I guess I still love you. Even though you've given me so much pain, I still do. But, you're with someone else and I need to move on and I will. I will, soon. But remember that I will always be here because we're friends now, right? That's what you wanted us to be after this. So, that I will give you. After all, I've always given you what you wanted. And if you want freedom from me or if you want me to leave, I will. But, not until you ask me to, so until then, I'll be here. Always. Rough, these past few years have been. Tough, is what I have become. I went through so much in the past years. I've experienced a lot of heart breaks, disappointments, and failures. I've once again faced self-loathing, anxiety, pain, and a whole lot of problems. And throughout all of these obstacles that have come to challenge me, I always felt so alone and always blamed myself for everything wrong. Even if it's clear that it isn't my fault, I will always somehow find a reason why it is. That's how I have been living for how many years. Although my valiant efforts of trying to win the battle against the truculent demons in my head, I always lose. And so, I let them beat me. I stopped fighting them, I started to welcome them and let them manipulate my every thought and I always let them win. I knew I was becoming weaker and weaker, but, I couldn't do anything about it anymore. It was too late to do something, and I was too weak to be my own cure. I relied on the people around me to help me kill the villains living in my head, but I realized, I was the villain myself. I was the one constantly pushing myself down into the endless pit of sadness and self-hatred. I realized that I am the owner of this body and I shoulde be the one in control. And I only realized that a month ago, when I honestly felt like I've had enough. I knew that it wasn't too late and that I could still be happy. I started to realize that I'm the only one who can save me, from me. So, I sucked in a breath, held my head up, wiped my tears away, and did what I haven't been doing for a long time, I genuinely smiled. I knew this was a new beginning for me. I wanted to better myself and this is the way. I needed to accept and start appreciating who I am and that I am strong, smart, kind, and enough. I am looking forward to the day where I look at myself in the mirror and finally be happy with the image. And I made it clear to myself that I am not doing this for anybody else. I am doing this for me and only me. But, I won't forget what I've been through and I will never regret it because the person I am in the past is still the same person I am today and the same one I will be in the future, only upgraded. That's the silver lining. I became wiser and stronger. And one day, hopefully, my story will inspire others. Dear 17 year old me,
Hi, darling. You did it! You have survived seventeen years of pain and tears. You're come so far. I'm so proud of you. You've blossomed into such a wonderful being. I hope that from now, you start loving yourself, start thinking of yourself, and start taking care of yourself. Because you know why? You deserve it. You deserve the kind of love that you give to other people. Learn to leave some time, love, and care for you. Dear, I know that the world can be such a horrid place sometimes. I know that you know that. But, start seeing the beauty in things. Realize that every pain has an equivalent happiness. It may not come right after, but it will. There will be a whole lot of people that you will meet in this life. Some of them will try their very best to tear you apart and break you. But, there will always be people who will help you get up and keep fighting and those people, they are the ones you need to keep in your life. I know that life can be really tough sometimes and I know that the demons that live in your head and the constant thoughts of ending your life will always be there. I won't tell you to not do it, but here's what I will tell you. There are people who love you and who care for you. You just got to learn to appreciate them more. You just have to open your eyes more to see that there are people here who would gladly take the bullet for you, cross an ocean for you, and save you from drowning even when they can't swim. There are people here who adore you and see beauty in you. There are still people here who's eyes shine when they see you and are happy just to be in your presence. Yes, there are still people like them. And those people love you. You may think that when you're gone no one would even tear up. You're right. They won't tear up, they'll be bawling. They won't be sad, they will be grieving, devastated, crushed. You know why? Because YOU MATTER. I know that it's hard to believe that you do because of the number of people who left you, hurt you, and made you feel like you're just a waste of space. But honest to God, you matter and you always will. Another reminder, you're not a failure. Stop comparing yourself and your achievements to other people. You're human and you make mistakes and that doesn't make you a bad person. You may not know what you want to be just yet but bitch, who the hell knows? This isn't the time to do that. Don't rush it and don't rush yourself. Make mistakes and make as many mistakes as you can. Fall, and when you fall next time, fall harder. Get scars and get bruises. Don't be afraid to do it because those failures, those scars, and those bruises will only help you in finding out what you want to be. All of the experiences and pain that you go through in the journey will only help shape you for the future. Don't be afraid if you can't paint inside the lines or that you hate that one band everyone likes or that you don't have all the trending clothes. You don't have to be like everyone else. You don't have to fit in because you were made to stand out. You may not see it, but you do. You shine among the crowd. You're wonderful and the life that you're living is irreplaceable. You're legendary. You don't need to be perfect and you don't have to be a hero because like I said, you're a legend. And legends never die. For my final reminder, don't forget that the biggest mistake that you can ever make is not being yourself. Because that is a fundamental in being happy and becoming successful. Always pray. Love your parents, your brothers, your relatives, and your friends because you don't want to lose them. They are your angels and you are theirs. All the love, Sixteen year old me I guess it's because I believed in you so much that even though you wrecked me once, I gave you a second chance. I believed that you realized your mistake and the pain that you caused me before that you'll try not to do it again. I loved you too much to walk away from you even though you've caused me a lot of pain and sleepless nights. The constant thoughts of not being good enough came rushing back in right when you left. But maybe it was your sweet and loving words that made me have some sort of hope that there's still a chance for us to work. You told me you were sorry and even asked me how you can gain my trust back. I said it was all up to you. I was hesitant to give you this. To give you my word that you do have a chance, you just have to make me see that you want this. And albeit I told myself that I'll base my decision from how hard you try or how far you will go just to gain it, I guess I've already made a decision long before I gave the chance. I knew that whatever you do, one way or another, I will still give you a chance, another ticket to get the prize. Probably because I wasn't ready to let you go at all so it wasn't actually giving you what you wanted, it's giving me what I wanted. I wanted another chance for us. Because how can you let go of someone who felt so much like home? I felt so happy with you. And now, for the second time around, you became my happiness and you told me I was yours. I told you that you deserved the world and you told me that I was your world. I can finally sleep again. Smiling became a normal thing again and my eyes shined once more. I no longer felt alone and unhappy. But there was always this thought in the back of my mind that this was just a big mistake, that anytime now, something will happen and everything would fall apart once again. But I kept ignoring it. Not knowing that I was actually ignoring the truth, because after a few months, it all happened again. You stopped and you left. I guess I should've just listened to everyone when they said that trusting you was the worst decision I could ever make. But I loved you too much that I didn't listen. But you know what? I'm not angry anymore. I'm just disappointed. Because I thought that this time you'd finally get it right. I guess I expected something from you. But, who wouldn't? Your words sounded like you actually wanted this. The pain isn't as bad as before because this time I sort of expected that this would happen one day. But it still hurts because I felt stupid. I guess this was all just a joke to you, a little game to make you feel like a man or make you feel good about yourself. I feel sorry for myself that I fell for your trap once again. But this time, this time I'm on the look out. I'm not going to slip into another endless pit of nightmares and lies. I'm not going to fall easily for sweet words anymore because for all I know they could be like roses. It looks beautiful, it's deceiving, but they have thorns and thorns hurt. Who would've thought that sweet and loving words can crush you in a lot of different ways? It makes me shake my head at how love can be just a game for some people these days. Such a shame.
A lot of things can happen in a second, minute, hour, day. You can love someone right now and love them more later. You can hate a song today and love it tomorrow. Things can change in a snap or in a blink of an eye. Life doesn't stop for anyone. And these past few months, days, weeks, in that amount of time, I sort of lost myself. I lost who I am. It felt like I was in a whirlwind and it's carrying me away. I guess it all happened around when I finally digested the fact that the school year is about to end and the stress is kicking me in the butt and everyone is talking about what school they'll be transferring to or what course they're going to take. And then there's me, who doesn't even know what to do. I had my hands full. From planning all sorts of fan events (and now the one I was most excited and stressed out about has been postponed indefinitely), looking for schools to transfer to, moving-up practices, my love life problems (not that I have a boyfriend or anything but yeah, I'm human. I get crushes and sometimes fall for people I can't have), and other personal problems, it all became too much for me to handle. I kind of lost it. I forgot about my priorities which only fucked me up big time. And what drove me mad was the fact that in just a few days I will be leaving this school. This building I hated so much but loved at the same time. I've made so much memories here and this school made me who I am now. And it sort of freaks me out that it's the end. That next school year, I won't be seeing the same places or the same faces, I won't be with the same teachers, and same classrooms. And what sent me to the edge was knowing that next school year I won't be with my best friends. I won't be with them laughing and sharing jokes and stories we've gathered from the time we spent away. It sucks. I don't know if this is from separation anxiety but, it scares me so much that I will now be facing things without them being with me physically. All of these things played in my head all day. I didn't realize that I was slowing losing what I was really supposed to do in the moment. I forgot to focus on myself. I was so committed into spending time with my friends and helping them figure out what they want that I forgot to save some time for myself. I focused more on trying to fit everything in, in such a short amount of time because I was so scared that we wouldn't have enough time to do things that we all wanted to do when in fact, we have our whole lives to do it. I rushed things. Even in love. And I got hurt. And that's what probably sent me spiraling down into the dark abyss. But, I guess that's what brought me here. I'm here sitting in the dining room at 5:37 PM. writing this blog post. Because I've decided to re-build myself. I've been so hurt in the past couple of months and I thought I was never going to get back up, but I did. And now, I'm starting to focus more on myself. I've been searching so long for someone to come and fix me but I realized that no one is going to come and save me. I should do it for myself. I'm the only one who can fix me because who knows you better that yourself, right? So here I am. Staring again. And this time, I'm going to nail it. I want to re-build myself for ME. Not for anybody else. I'm making myself better because I want to, not because someone told me to. This is all for me. And I'm going to start loving myself more. Because I deserve it.
And before I end this post, I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes. This is from one of my fave shows ever (RPDR): "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?" All the love. x |
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