Dear 17 year old me,
Hi, darling. You did it! You have survived seventeen years of pain and tears. You're come so far. I'm so proud of you. You've blossomed into such a wonderful being. I hope that from now, you start loving yourself, start thinking of yourself, and start taking care of yourself. Because you know why? You deserve it. You deserve the kind of love that you give to other people. Learn to leave some time, love, and care for you. Dear, I know that the world can be such a horrid place sometimes. I know that you know that. But, start seeing the beauty in things. Realize that every pain has an equivalent happiness. It may not come right after, but it will. There will be a whole lot of people that you will meet in this life. Some of them will try their very best to tear you apart and break you. But, there will always be people who will help you get up and keep fighting and those people, they are the ones you need to keep in your life. I know that life can be really tough sometimes and I know that the demons that live in your head and the constant thoughts of ending your life will always be there. I won't tell you to not do it, but here's what I will tell you. There are people who love you and who care for you. You just got to learn to appreciate them more. You just have to open your eyes more to see that there are people here who would gladly take the bullet for you, cross an ocean for you, and save you from drowning even when they can't swim. There are people here who adore you and see beauty in you. There are still people here who's eyes shine when they see you and are happy just to be in your presence. Yes, there are still people like them. And those people love you. You may think that when you're gone no one would even tear up. You're right. They won't tear up, they'll be bawling. They won't be sad, they will be grieving, devastated, crushed. You know why? Because YOU MATTER. I know that it's hard to believe that you do because of the number of people who left you, hurt you, and made you feel like you're just a waste of space. But honest to God, you matter and you always will. Another reminder, you're not a failure. Stop comparing yourself and your achievements to other people. You're human and you make mistakes and that doesn't make you a bad person. You may not know what you want to be just yet but bitch, who the hell knows? This isn't the time to do that. Don't rush it and don't rush yourself. Make mistakes and make as many mistakes as you can. Fall, and when you fall next time, fall harder. Get scars and get bruises. Don't be afraid to do it because those failures, those scars, and those bruises will only help you in finding out what you want to be. All of the experiences and pain that you go through in the journey will only help shape you for the future. Don't be afraid if you can't paint inside the lines or that you hate that one band everyone likes or that you don't have all the trending clothes. You don't have to be like everyone else. You don't have to fit in because you were made to stand out. You may not see it, but you do. You shine among the crowd. You're wonderful and the life that you're living is irreplaceable. You're legendary. You don't need to be perfect and you don't have to be a hero because like I said, you're a legend. And legends never die. For my final reminder, don't forget that the biggest mistake that you can ever make is not being yourself. Because that is a fundamental in being happy and becoming successful. Always pray. Love your parents, your brothers, your relatives, and your friends because you don't want to lose them. They are your angels and you are theirs. All the love, Sixteen year old me
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I guess it's because I believed in you so much that even though you wrecked me once, I gave you a second chance. I believed that you realized your mistake and the pain that you caused me before that you'll try not to do it again. I loved you too much to walk away from you even though you've caused me a lot of pain and sleepless nights. The constant thoughts of not being good enough came rushing back in right when you left. But maybe it was your sweet and loving words that made me have some sort of hope that there's still a chance for us to work. You told me you were sorry and even asked me how you can gain my trust back. I said it was all up to you. I was hesitant to give you this. To give you my word that you do have a chance, you just have to make me see that you want this. And albeit I told myself that I'll base my decision from how hard you try or how far you will go just to gain it, I guess I've already made a decision long before I gave the chance. I knew that whatever you do, one way or another, I will still give you a chance, another ticket to get the prize. Probably because I wasn't ready to let you go at all so it wasn't actually giving you what you wanted, it's giving me what I wanted. I wanted another chance for us. Because how can you let go of someone who felt so much like home? I felt so happy with you. And now, for the second time around, you became my happiness and you told me I was yours. I told you that you deserved the world and you told me that I was your world. I can finally sleep again. Smiling became a normal thing again and my eyes shined once more. I no longer felt alone and unhappy. But there was always this thought in the back of my mind that this was just a big mistake, that anytime now, something will happen and everything would fall apart once again. But I kept ignoring it. Not knowing that I was actually ignoring the truth, because after a few months, it all happened again. You stopped and you left. I guess I should've just listened to everyone when they said that trusting you was the worst decision I could ever make. But I loved you too much that I didn't listen. But you know what? I'm not angry anymore. I'm just disappointed. Because I thought that this time you'd finally get it right. I guess I expected something from you. But, who wouldn't? Your words sounded like you actually wanted this. The pain isn't as bad as before because this time I sort of expected that this would happen one day. But it still hurts because I felt stupid. I guess this was all just a joke to you, a little game to make you feel like a man or make you feel good about yourself. I feel sorry for myself that I fell for your trap once again. But this time, this time I'm on the look out. I'm not going to slip into another endless pit of nightmares and lies. I'm not going to fall easily for sweet words anymore because for all I know they could be like roses. It looks beautiful, it's deceiving, but they have thorns and thorns hurt. Who would've thought that sweet and loving words can crush you in a lot of different ways? It makes me shake my head at how love can be just a game for some people these days. Such a shame.
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